I NEED A NEW LIST

Got a Bucket List? I do, and at the very top was “Breed a Litter of Bulldog Pups". On July 1st, after almost 40 years of trying, after about a quarter of a million dollars, lost litters, disappointment, discouragement and lots of tears, Roxanne, the doggy love of my life, gave birth to a litter of 4 female and 1 male English Bulldog puppies. Thus began my nervous breakdown.

DELIVERY – Mike and I are at Dr. Doug Hutchins’ place for Roxanne’s surgery. We are handed seconds old pups to rub, suction and wish to life and I am crying tears of joy and amazement. I am beyond excited except for the echo of an old homily –something about “careful what you wish for…
Something, something,… it will come to me…

Roxie is waking up and wondering “where am I and why are there guinea pigs stuck to my tatas?” …………at home obsessively checking on the puppies, cleaning them, making sure they are still breathing… and that’s just me! Roxanne is almost as bad …….the day is a blur of weighing, feeding, laundry, laundry, …sooo tired, but can’t sleep, can’t sleep..clowns will eat me……….

DAY 2 – Have changed the puppy’s names for the sixteenth time in twelve hours. (perhaps a new World Record?). Roxie is not pleased with “diaper duty”, “You want me to what? … With my tongue?,,, Where?" Patoohey, patoohey, blecch, yuck, um, no! ain’t happening! ..so I’m doing the tummy rubbing, (but decidedly NOT with my tongue) and counting pees and poops – the puppys’ tails are stuck to their butts – with the “New Super Glue”, colostrum poop! …no sleep is happening for any of us, especially Roxanne. She is panting and heaving constantly and is completely obsessed with her pups. She is also laying on the pups, sitting on the pups, and stepping on the pups. Thank God, at least she seems to have milk. Hallelujah! She was panting so hard and so long, we found a guy in Scarborough that breeds Bullys to see if he knew what was going on and he basically said, “It’s the heat, stupid.” So now I feel stupid. STUPID!! But, she still doesn’t cool down even when the temperature drops, so it was an awful day – She (Roxie) hasn’t slept, I haven’t slept, Mike hasn’t slept- NOBODY IS FREAKING SLEEPING. I’m worried about a heart attack. I wonder who will go down first.

Roxanne is devoted to her little family. But, her techniques are, well, lacking. She very carefully lowers herself to feed the pups then sits on a couple of them. If they get under the rail designed to protect them, she tries to scoop them out like an errant tennis ball, and, my personal favorite, when she holds them down to clean their butts (yes, she has finally taken over my favorite job), she puts her paw on their heads and squashes them like cockroaches. Fortunately, we had the foresight to line her box with memory foam from an old mattress topper, so, if she sits on a pup, it sinks. Unfortunately, I completely forgot that puppies pee – a lot-and the foam is beginning to smell like a wet goat.

DAY 3 – Hotter than hell…..humid beyond misery….unbearable, no sleep, Roxanne is panting, panting, panting, - like the tell-tale heart, and...I can’t stand it! I’M HIGH STRUNG, O.K.?

We’re taking Roxanne to the Vet to see if we can do something to calm down her panting (and to see if I can score some Xanax)! Hopefully we can cool her off a bit by bathing her, if it won’t hurt her incision. We’re going to move a small kiddie pool into the office with an air conditioner – which sounds great until I remember that it’s very important to keep the pups toasty warm…… SOMEBODY PLEASE KILL ME1

DAY 4 - Official Names Of The Day …ta da!

The fat chick with the spot on her bum, who we called, um, Spot, is officially:

AGNES MARY (Aggie) for my late Sister. She is a Moose! and an eating and pooping machine. She could, literally, suck the chrome off a bumper.

SHORTY – The only boy, who we cleverly called “Boy”, is now Shorty for my Dad, who was, surprisingly, short! and the other three girls are

PEACHY – who should really be called “Rotunda Sneaker”, a big, big girl with a real future on the East German power lifting team.

SNOOKIE – a name I had first, before that spray tanned, pseudo celebrity cow! Take that New Jersey!! and

GERALDINE - these were all my Peeps when I was a kid, but my memories of Geraldine are my fondest. In spite of the fact that we lived in the worst neighborhood in a city full of bad neighborhoods, my Mother thought I was the next Shirley Temple and dressed me like “a Lady” with ridiculous outfits. Geraldine would hide her outgrown dungarees (jeans for all you whipper-snappers out there that aren’t as old as dirt) so I wouldn’t get the crap beaten out of me at the park. (I really believe this is why I honestly don’t give a fig about what I wear…. Paging Dr. Freud!)